Tomorrow is the most important presidential election in history, just like the seven other presidential elections I have suffered through in my thirty-four years. And I’m going to sit this one out.
Because fuck you, that’s why.
Yes, I know, you have a multitude of arguments about why I should vote. They are all fucking nonsense.
Supposedly, it’s my civic duty to vote. The fuck it is! Fuck you and your sancti-fucking-monious Vote or Die and Rock the Vote bullshit. My only arguable civic duty in regards to voting is to vote responsibly. If you are voting for a candidate simply because of the fucking letter that follows their fucking name, you are not being responsible with your right to vote. Or, if you are one of those fuckbrains who votes for any of the trivial fucking reasons that have nothing to do with the issues, like the candidate’s haircut or how much you’d like to have a beer with them, you are not being responsible for your vote. If you are one of those above people, fuck you, you fucking fuckbrain, you’re one of the problems with this country.
If you are voting and do not possess a working fucking knowledge of the issues of the day, fuck you, you are not being responsible with your vote. If you do not have a firm grasp of said issues, your civic duty is not to vote. Your civic duty is to stay as fucking far away from a polling station as fucking possible. If you are un- or ill-informed about the issues plaguing this country, do your country and your fellow citizens a favor. Don’t vote!
But I know what you’re saying right now, “Bruce, you follow politics, you follow the issues, you’re pretty well-informed, you should vote.” Well, thank you for saying so, hypothetical reader. I appreciate it. However, just as it is fucking irresponsible to vote when you are not informed on the issues, it is just as fucking irresponsible to vote for candidates you do not agree with. From my perspective, there is no daylight between Obama and Romney; no matter which of those fuckheads wins tomorrow, the United States will continue on a path of perpetual and aimless war, crony capitalism, crushing debt, eroding civil liberties, an imperial presidency, a drug war antithetical of our Constitution, lethal spending habits, a conflict with Iran, the assassination of American citizens without trial, and unrestricted drone warfare that is killing far more innocents than bad-guys.
“But Bruce! What about the wedge issue I care so much about!?” That’s all fine and great, and I appreciate that you are passionate about that particular wedge issue, and depending on the issue, I’m going to be right beside you fighting for it. But that particular wedge issue won’t fucking matter if the Republic falls down around our fucking ears.
So, let me ask you then, how would it be responsible for me, not agreeing with fuckface (R) or fuckface (D), to cast a vote for either of them? It wouldn’t. If I stepped into a voting booth tomorrow and cast for either one of them, I’d be no different than all the other fucking assholes who aren’t voting responsibly.
“But Bruce! Third Party!” Okay, you kind of got me there. I definitely agree with third parties are the way to go. As a digression, if you are one of those dumbfucks who says, “If you vote third party, you’re wasting your vote,” fuck you. You have been fucking brainwashed by the Republican-Democrat duopoly that is crushing this nation and you are as big as fucking problem as the duopoly. No, the only way to waste your vote is to vote for someone or something you don’t believe in.
But let me ask you, what’s the fucking point? No third party is going to get the 5% of the vote on Tuesday to qualify for public funding in 2016. It would be a waste of time and resources to drive to my polling station just to cast a vote that will not fucking matter. My vote, your vote, and anyone’s vote is worth, at best, around $4.77 x 10 to the −2,650th power. Just from a pure economical and environmental standpoint, how would it be responsible for me to waste the gas necessary to cast my vote? Just starting my car spends more money than my vote is worth.
So, we come to my favorite stupid fucking canard thrown around every four years. ”If you don’t vote, don’t complain.” Fuck you in your fucking neck. Here is the text of the Constitution. Show me where it says if I don’t vote, I can’t complain. I’ll save you the time and trouble. It doesn’t say anything fucking thing like that. My right to complain and bitch and moan about anything I fucking want is completely unrelated to voting.
Besides, I don’t remember signing on to that particular clause of our social contract. You think I shouldn’t be able to complain if I don’t vote?
Yeah, try to fucking stop me.